Well an attempt at another entry after the one I tried before this ended-up different than I planned.
Well the past two weeks have been urgh to the point that I am so damn run-down. Things actually seemed a bit alright after going to the AVEX, and eating good food and just getting out of the house. I started talking again to someone who I thought had dropped me, after finally admitting I was scared to talk after weeks of not talking along with my birthday going by. I even tried coming back to Twitter a bit since I was feeling a bit relieved/things might not be good but at least they were stable. But pretty much after things just fell.
-----( On Twitter... )
It feels like words just dissipate once they leave my mouth or hands. That sound happens, but is just into air. None of my fears or feelings seem to mean anything. Nothing I have ever done mattered.
I don't know if I'd be so numb if I wasn't sick, or if I'm too beaten-down anyway. But maybe being sick is a bit of a blessing right now.( On being sick... )
So to try as a last ditch thing to distract myself, I decided to try a restart of "Vampire: The Masquerade -- Bloodlines". ( On my Shaglehod... )
I do know that Bloodlines will be one of the early things I do install though. But if it doesn't help; well I probably won't be around much as I have said before.
I can't take the filtering, removals, Blocks, ignoring or any of it. I can't take being so scared to even contact people (to even say 'hey' to people). Leaving people be seems to be the wrong thing; being sociable seems to be the wrong thing. I get told to go back to Twitter, so I tweet things & let things go to it, and yet I get hardly any replies. People would rather unFollow me than respond to anything. I can't take any more broken promises. I can't take words that feel pacifying and never are backed-up by any proof. I can't take feeling so alone. I can't take that everything I have every done never mattered. I don't know what people want me to do. I don't know what they expect me to say.I just can't handle things anymore.
And I really don't think most of the people understand that things just aren't crap online. Online feels the worst because it is my sanctuary, and one of my main places where I have confidence & worth. But there is a lot of family crap (most of which I have mentioned before) and such as well.( On life stuff... )
Also my Sea Monkeys are starting to die. My 3 large males (including Julius), and a female have been floundering around the bottom of the tank. I moved them to another glass with some of the tank water as suggested by Sea Monkey Worship
, but when I checked on them the next day Julius kept following me around the side so I decided isolating them was cruel if they were going to die anyway. I actually think he was asking me to move them back. I've been too worried/dreadful to check on them yet today, but I will before I go to bed (it's also a feeding day). I need to get the tank set-up soon as well as it is getting colder and I don't want to lose all that are left.
But there is some good news in that I have a very pregnant female, a few other adults, and lots of younger Sea Monkeys swimming around. I thoroughly plan to have them & care for them for the foreseeable future, so I really, really want them to keep doing well.
But I want a lot of things. I want to feel like a person, I want to have promises kept, I want to be able to not be so scared & trust, I really want a hug, I want adventures to look forward to, I want my family to care, I want to be able to eat Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners, I want to be remembered on my birthday, I want my education money back, I want to get my knee sorted, I want to see about my jaw, I want good contact from people, I want people to not ignore me on Twitter & online, I want to feel like I am not just talking to air, I just want people to sillily respond to tweets, I want to be unfiltered, unBlocked, and added back, I want to just have the friends that I thought I had, I want things I have been involved in doing to exist, I want those things to have mentions, I want to not be terrified that things will be deleted, I want to send & receive stuff in the mail with more than just one person again, I want my RAZR to be more than just a fancy clock again, I want to have silly & random conversations with people again, I want to be able to say 'Hippo Burpdae' to people without fear they'll remove me, I want to feel like I am wanted to exist, I want to feel that there is a point to it.
And so I am pathetic.
Anyway I'll stop rambling now. I need to work on my back-up, have a bath, & make sure my tank works anyway. And try to get to bed early & get sleep if I can breath. Maybe it will help me feel less run-down? I'm hoping to get a drive to outpatients as well. Tomorrow night will probably be devoted to the big install -____-